As much as I love to read and work on research, I feel that right now my mind is too tired to think.
I have a paper pending, and as much as I try to work on it, I just can't finish it. And I feel really disappointed and angry at myself for dragging my professor into this paper without finishing it. But I just feel I won't be able to finish it. I have school stuff that occupy my mind 24/7 and now I'll have money issues that I need to worry about, so if I get a job I won't be able to finish writing it.
I am a prideful and stubborn person, and as much as I hate to leave something unfinished I think I might have to do stop this and inform my professor. I feel like a total failure and ashamed when I tell her. I really looked up to my professor and am really grateful for all her help, so I thought I could at least do this one last assignment with her, but I can't even do that.
Man I just feel so upset right now thinking about it. And as prideful as I am, I'll continue working on this paper until I start my summer classes this Monday. I still have 3 days, and I'll make them count for at least something.

I was like a sun shower :)

so I found this beautiful music!!

and I just cried and laughed as I listened lol.

It was rather weird and I don't know but it just hit home for some reason.
And then I found someone had made a music box melody to it!! I love music boxes <3 nbsp="" p="">and so I just did the same lol

I feel so happy~

(*°∀°)=3

gomen ne okaasan

but you have a coward daughter.
Feelings/emotions are my number one imaginary fear I guess, but my number one fear along with needles is a thunderstorm with ferocious lightning and thunder. The simple thought of taking a commercial bus back home with thunder and hail scared the hell out of me. I didn't feel safe. Heck I almost never feel safe anywhere.
sighhh

Lately, I've been kinda tired. I feel like going to a park or something, but I have no car. lol
I feel like sitting by the balcony and just let time go by.
A storm just passed by and the wind feels really nice~

I have a whole week off before summer school starts, and I have to find something to do..

i'm going a tad bit crazy...

I need a new side view mirror. I looked around the junk yard areas here and none have a vehicle like mine...not even the junk yards back home. A new part here in this city is much more expensive than back home, so I thought it would be a good time to go home and visit and pick up my car part.

Like I said before, I thought this city didn't like me, but I now I think this city doesn't want me to leave lolol. Apparently I can't drive myself out because I fear my crazied-glued side view mirror won't resist the air force of 60mi drive back home, the weather will apparently be awful the day I wanted to leave, no one can take me home or bring me back so I'm taking the bus, I have a TB and tetanus vaccine on my week off so I can't really stay long back home.
All in all, I think I'm not going anywhere. My sister told she would be able to bring me back on the weekend, but what about my immunizations and my classes that I need to pay before Monday?

sighhhhhhhhh

I really tried finding a solution to everything but I guess it was all useless. I won't hate the outcome of this because perhaps....everything happens for a reason??? lol that's a silly concept but I just like to ponder on it and wonder...just wonder of all the possibilities that are yet to be understood.
just
pooooooof

of course i don't take anything seriously, i just like to imagine~
IMAGINE 
and I'm bored lol

I had a conversation with a friend of mine a few nights ago. We got into a weird conversation where we stirred up past loves and such...something I tend to keep to myself and don't really do with friends. Anyways, I think it started when I told her I wanted to delete a mutual friend, but she said not to because she wanted to invite him to her wedding and she didn't want it to be awkward between us.

It just hit me how much people tend to care about this type of stuff. I mean who cares if someone doesn't like the stuff you put up or if someone deletes you. I don't comprehend the weight this holds....Well I guess in a way I was doing the same as she was, but I just feel uncomfortable putting pics up knowing that someone unwanted is seeing them. I mean I'm not gorgeous or narcissist, but I just want to share stuff with people I can trust. Idk...I think I have way too much time on my hands, but it's just that these days I have so many nonsensical  things going through my head that I just want to write them out. I guess emotions are building up for some reason.

idk emotions and feelings in a nutshell are the most scariest thing.....

They aren't real

Today is one of those days when all I want to do is think and wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if the people behind a social networking place like Facebook and such are even real. The people I have in there are people I think I've known in real life. Some are really close friends and relatives, but the longer I've spend away from all of these people, the more I wonder if any of them are even real. I mean I do have memories of them. Happy, sad, and angry memories with them, so in a way I know they might be real....or at the very least might have been real at one point. But what guarantees that they are? They might be fake. Like if someone might be taking their information and usurping them. Heck for all I know, these memories might have even been conjured in one of my very lucid dreams. The memories are fake. And those people that I have as friends are not real. All the images and comments they leave are digitally made and they are not real. But then again none of this is might be real...

The people behind those photos are not real because they might not have been real in the first place.

I'm probably not real to any of them as well.

I guess I'm just concern that one of these days, when I do meet up with someone, my first thought would be, "Who are you?"

idk today is just one of those days were just like to over think stuff....

I want some cotton candy

I cry alot. But not because I'm hurt or anything. It's mainly due to when I'm watching something on tv and a person (good or bad) dies. Usually it's due to cartoons, but oddly enough, now it's due to tv shows like Criminal minds or Cold Case that get's my tear ducts running.  lol.
Oh and some instances when I'm watching House.

But I think that the one that hits harder is Cold Case.

I guess I have a very vivid imagination....

personal notes

I think I'm a bit...stressed... I suppose.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should stay in this city or even if this city likes me. Ever since I got here, I've had miserable luck.

The internet in this apartment is kinda sucky.

I've had terrible luck with my car. I want to take her back home, but I don't want to risk the chance of not being able to come back with her. What if she breaks down on the way home or won't start up again to come back with me? It's my only means of transportation and I will really need a vehicle when I do my practicums. Since I got here she had a dead battery, a broken side view mirror, and just can never stay clean! She is always covered in dirt for some reason even though this apt complex is all cement and she's under the parking roof place. Idk.

I broke my glasses with a simple drop from the table...that was simply ridiculous! Honestly, they've been through so much worse stuff and a simple drop from the table broke them. 

School is ok I suppose. I was almost run over just once. There is a great amount of pressure in the degree of importance this future job requires. At times it sinks in, but I think I get so scared that I tend to forget the pressure of it. I recently went to the hospital for my phlebotomy practicum. It was a really sad place. All those people in there looked tired, pale, bruised, and well some looked rather lonely. There were some that I just felt really bad for waking them up so early in the morning (3am). They just wanted to rest, and this ghoul was waking them up and practice drawing their blood. God I felt so guilty afterwards. This one lady asked me if I was a dancer. She was so sweet, and she talked to me of her younger days when she would teach dancing. She had so many hematomas thatI didn't want to draw any blood from her. I tried hard not to hurt her but her vein collapsed. I'm just glad I was able to react and not just stare as the hematoma formed. Her skin was thin, that I could see the blood accumilating to form a bigger hematoma. The guilt. It will stay with me forever. I know they keep telling that every sample is a patient waiting to be healed, and I guess this is just a way for us to see and feel the faces behind the samples. I did understand this from the beginning but now it has sunken in. I wanted to perform well in lab, but the simple thought that I can practically misdiagnose someone and potential kill or seriously hurt someone is very nerve wracking and scary. I worry so much about my performance in the lab that I just tend to forget about the lecture. I think I did ok in my lecture final, but I got so nervous in my lab exam that my streakings were too heavy and my bacteria weren't that well isolated. I was shaking while plating so I guess that explains it. Today, I just didn't know if I should have done a separate subculture....and I just remembered I didn't do a panel for the wound enteric.....oh man. I guess I'll just read my stool panel tomorrow. Great.... but I guess I have a greater motivation to do better.

Health wise, my sleeping pattern is horrible. I think I'm getting super huge dark circles or I'm getting paler as the days pass. I'm losing a weight again. I know it usually comes and goes at normal intervals, but I think this time I'm losing weight faster than normal. I try to rationalize this with my eating habits and walks to school, but I know I'm eating even more than before and I'm still losing. I got headaches from the use of my old glasses, so they are kinda gone now. I've had a recurrent pain on my legs (probably due to the walking) and the pain on my right ankle. I know my knees are messed up after so many torn ligaments and capillaries, but for some reason the right ankle has been hurting constantly.
Scarier of all, I think I have a ganglion cyst on the dorsal side of the wrist. It's quite small and only noticeable when I bend my wrist but the thought that I have something abnormally growing in my wrist makes me uncomfortable....it's like a pimple or something that I just want to drain lolol. eww gross. lol. I know my body can't really break it down and it ultimately needs to be drained....but I don't think my school insurance will cover a surgery for its removal.

deep siggggggggggggggggggggggggh*

It's irrelevant, but He-man is kinda gross. lololol I don't like super buff guys...I kinda get weirded out. hahah