Nightmare

This takes the prize as the most traumatizing one I've had in years.
Some lady with a young child takes our home and has my parents as her slaves. My father slowly lost his mind and is no longer his self. I drive over there to take them out of there and it starts to rain. I felt sorry for leaving our home and for my dad having to leave his birds in that house with that lady, so we decide to set them free. Something happens where I momentarily lost sight of my dad. My mom and I start to look for him in the rain, we got separated and as I turn a corner, I see my dad crouching in the floor with a gun in his mouth. And in a slow motion scene: No matter how fast I tried to get to him; no matter how much I screamed, I didn't make it. I tried to stop the bleeding. Tried to stay calm. A cousin of mine appears and I tell him to call an ambulance as I tried to put pressure on a wound through my dad's throat (which was weird since he shot himself through the mouth). My dad is crying and all I can do is caress his forehead and reassure him that I'm right here. I hold back tears so that he doesn't get worried and I just hope the ambulance gets here.Then for some reason an ambulance of clowns arrives instead of a real ambulance because my cousin called the wrong number for the ambulance. I had a rush of anger toward his idiocy. And my dad gives his last gasp of air. The scene changes, and I'm taken to the front of the house my car has no roof and all of belongings are wet and my car is filled with water from the rain. And I just remember thinking "Everything is ok. It will be ok." and I feel weightless, and I then (I think) I'm driving through the street at night with the street lights flashing by.

It all looked so real. It all felt real.

the weirdest day

I walk to my work/practicum hospital every morning around 6:30 am from a parking space that is like 3 blocks away. I always considered it to be safe. It is heavy with traffic and with lots of lighting, but for some reason today was just one of those weird days when I am really surprised that this type of things happen to me. Just when I was about to cross the street, this guy was getting out of his car and he called out to me. I was like 6 ft away from him and he was talking super low. First I thought he had car problems because he looked kinda scared and worried. So I just said "Excuse me?" And I clearly heard him say, "Do you want to get in my car?" and I was just like "Umm noo." and he just kept saying "you don't want to get in my car?" I just started crossing the street almost without looking and just left saying "Umm no thank you that's fine." and walked as fast as I could without causing him any alarm to come running after me or something. I did manage to cross the street and was just so happy that those cars slowed down for me so that I could cross and leave this weird guy behind. I did glance back and he was already gone.
All my way to the hospital I kept thinking of what had just happened. "WTF was that?!?!" and I got this feeling that this guy looked much more scared than I did, but even then, I told the security guard of what occurred because I still have a whole week left of my practicum in this hospital and I do not want to be kidnapped and leave my parents off with paying my school loans. No.

anniversary...a bit late though

Last week commemorated my move-in to this apartment. It has witnessed good things, bad things, tears, many lazy things, and incredibly funny things to the point I hope there is no hidden camera catching any of this...or anything at all (imagine! scary as fuck!!)

Anywho, I made a cake around the 8th, chilled and just enjoyed silence to celebrate...

On a good note: the ganglion cyst is magically gone! No trace of it at all. I would at times poke it, but never dared to actually drain it like some people did by hitting it with books. Eww~.. kimochi warui! This word just came to my mind. lol. Oh I had a dream where everything was in Japanese. I talked in Japanese, and I understood everyone who were talking in Japanese too! It was the most happiest dream I've had in a while. Woke up smiling lol. But back to the wrist thing and it's disapparation, I don't know, but maybe, just maybe, my body defenses actually understood what I said back then. I remember poking it and thinking:

Hmm, body of mine and first line of defense, you know guys there is this foreign object in the wrist. Here, right here where I'm pressing. Do you guys sense it? Now, I think I read it's a build up of proteins and what not from the wrist, so I suggest you use some ezymatic approach to it in order to remove it. I don't want it here, so I allow the call for backup from other leukocytes and the use of enzymes not usually used for degradation of proteins outside the cells.

something like that lol. (as funny as it sounds I actually did say this...gosh I am idiot lol)

ominous guts

Took a test on Friday....I don't think I did that good.
I know I sometimes say I didn't do that good but internally feel it wasn't that bad, but this time I know for certain I didn't do that good and internally I feel doomed.
I was hoping to redeem my last almost-pass-grade with a good grade this time, but it was total failure.
.......I feel nervous and super scared of seeing my professors eye to eye after this second failure.
super embarrassing and super worried of failing this class.

My brain just feels saturated with so much info that I don't know what to do anymore...I guess I just need to relax a bit..
sighhhhhhh*

apparently I talk to animals hahah

I believe I saw a leopard caterpillar. This is the second one this week, and this is the second one in which I can't help but move them out of the way. I placed this second one in the grass, but then I just looked at it and it was struggling to get through the grass. Then I moved it again onto the tree's leaves and it fell to the grass...I felt horrible! I was going to leave it there but it looked so distressed trying to walk through the stupid grass. So there I go again trying to place it on the tree branch this time, and it grabbed on. Oh and by this time, a neighbor walked by and a dog came to ask "wtf are you doing?" Lolol! no but seriously a dog did sit there and just looked.

By then I was just looking at the caterpillar hoping it wouldn't fall off again and then I'm thinking, "Maybe I'll bring him some lettuce..." Then my super-ego says, "Wtf, NO. Go study you idiot."

ahhh become a beautiful leapard moth my love~ *with sparkly eyes and flowery backgrounds like in manga scenes*

lolol what a day~

oh wow

I've developed a celebrity crush...lol just how old am I...I really don't get these much, honestly!

Now that I think about it..he is the second one and the two that I have are both from the same drama of Itazura na Kiss except from different versions. The first..well know second, is Joe Chang from the Taiwanese version and now the new first one is Furukawa Yuki from the Japanese version.
Gosh I just think these two are handsome, but I just really like Furukawa-san's prominent jaw line and big eyes lolol. He has that rare serious look that I just really can't stop looking at haha.
He's just really handsome~
Can't wait for the next episode (´ ▽｀).。ｏ♡

kekeke

I'm a bit tired.
I think I'm a bit more stressed than tired I guess.
Yeah I think it's that: stresssssssssssss.

I think it's both physically and emotionally...
I think I'm letting the girl's talk of relationships get to me. Lately they talk about their love lives and how they are all together with someone. Either married, engaged, or in a long term relationship.
I have none of the above.
I never really gave it too much of a thought. I mean I have daydreamed of stuff like this, but who doesn't~ But my real life crushes never grew and were always one sided so a relationship never occurred. This is what reading too much manga does!! lol.

I've always been told I'm too serious. I was actually told that I'm getting too much education and that this will scare away any possible husband lolol. I guess my serious face and knowledge made me look like a superior human looking down on all men! LOLOL! Crazzzzzzy shit.
That was the most stupidest is-your-brain-in-your-ass type of love-life tip.
Nah, I guess I just wonder when I'll find that person who doesn't mind me being there as we enjoy each others presence... No, I'm not feeling lonely because I'm never really alone. I just wonder when I'll come across that one person I need no distance from....
meh~

I saw a black caterpillar with yellow/orange horns!!! woOoOooaaaAaAAaHhhH!

just random stuff

It's getting a bit tiring. I had a tremendous pressure in my head today where my eyes, nose, and forehead just wanted to shut down. I had a dream with a special someone...a mixed happy, sad dream. He was much more jittery than the first time I met him, and he kept lying to me about who the girl was...lol weird~ I think I'm the jealous type haha

I kinda wished it kept on raining but I'm terrified of the sound of thunder. I think I just feel strange lolol whatever that means. Like I need to write stuff out. I don't want to because it's just frivolous stuff that I already know about myself, but I feel a great urge to just get it out of my system.

goooooooooooooooooooooosssshh!

maybe later..I have a test coming up~

As much as I love to read and work on research, I feel that right now my mind is too tired to think.
I have a paper pending, and as much as I try to work on it, I just can't finish it. And I feel really disappointed and angry at myself for dragging my professor into this paper without finishing it. But I just feel I won't be able to finish it. I have school stuff that occupy my mind 24/7 and now I'll have money issues that I need to worry about, so if I get a job I won't be able to finish writing it.
I am a prideful and stubborn person, and as much as I hate to leave something unfinished I think I might have to do stop this and inform my professor. I feel like a total failure and ashamed when I tell her. I really looked up to my professor and am really grateful for all her help, so I thought I could at least do this one last assignment with her, but I can't even do that.
Man I just feel so upset right now thinking about it. And as prideful as I am, I'll continue working on this paper until I start my summer classes this Monday. I still have 3 days, and I'll make them count for at least something.

I was like a sun shower :)

so I found this beautiful music!!

and I just cried and laughed as I listened lol.

It was rather weird and I don't know but it just hit home for some reason.
And then I found someone had made a music box melody to it!! I love music boxes <3 nbsp="" p="">and so I just did the same lol

I feel so happy~

(*°∀°)=3

gomen ne okaasan

but you have a coward daughter.
Feelings/emotions are my number one imaginary fear I guess, but my number one fear along with needles is a thunderstorm with ferocious lightning and thunder. The simple thought of taking a commercial bus back home with thunder and hail scared the hell out of me. I didn't feel safe. Heck I almost never feel safe anywhere.
sighhh

Lately, I've been kinda tired. I feel like going to a park or something, but I have no car. lol
I feel like sitting by the balcony and just let time go by.
A storm just passed by and the wind feels really nice~

I have a whole week off before summer school starts, and I have to find something to do..

i'm going a tad bit crazy...

I need a new side view mirror. I looked around the junk yard areas here and none have a vehicle like mine...not even the junk yards back home. A new part here in this city is much more expensive than back home, so I thought it would be a good time to go home and visit and pick up my car part.

Like I said before, I thought this city didn't like me, but I now I think this city doesn't want me to leave lolol. Apparently I can't drive myself out because I fear my crazied-glued side view mirror won't resist the air force of 60mi drive back home, the weather will apparently be awful the day I wanted to leave, no one can take me home or bring me back so I'm taking the bus, I have a TB and tetanus vaccine on my week off so I can't really stay long back home.
All in all, I think I'm not going anywhere. My sister told she would be able to bring me back on the weekend, but what about my immunizations and my classes that I need to pay before Monday?

sighhhhhhhhh

I really tried finding a solution to everything but I guess it was all useless. I won't hate the outcome of this because perhaps....everything happens for a reason??? lol that's a silly concept but I just like to ponder on it and wonder...just wonder of all the possibilities that are yet to be understood.
just
pooooooof

of course i don't take anything seriously, i just like to imagine~
IMAGINE 
and I'm bored lol

I had a conversation with a friend of mine a few nights ago. We got into a weird conversation where we stirred up past loves and such...something I tend to keep to myself and don't really do with friends. Anyways, I think it started when I told her I wanted to delete a mutual friend, but she said not to because she wanted to invite him to her wedding and she didn't want it to be awkward between us.

It just hit me how much people tend to care about this type of stuff. I mean who cares if someone doesn't like the stuff you put up or if someone deletes you. I don't comprehend the weight this holds....Well I guess in a way I was doing the same as she was, but I just feel uncomfortable putting pics up knowing that someone unwanted is seeing them. I mean I'm not gorgeous or narcissist, but I just want to share stuff with people I can trust. Idk...I think I have way too much time on my hands, but it's just that these days I have so many nonsensical  things going through my head that I just want to write them out. I guess emotions are building up for some reason.

idk emotions and feelings in a nutshell are the most scariest thing.....

They aren't real

Today is one of those days when all I want to do is think and wonder....

Sometimes I wonder if the people behind a social networking place like Facebook and such are even real. The people I have in there are people I think I've known in real life. Some are really close friends and relatives, but the longer I've spend away from all of these people, the more I wonder if any of them are even real. I mean I do have memories of them. Happy, sad, and angry memories with them, so in a way I know they might be real....or at the very least might have been real at one point. But what guarantees that they are? They might be fake. Like if someone might be taking their information and usurping them. Heck for all I know, these memories might have even been conjured in one of my very lucid dreams. The memories are fake. And those people that I have as friends are not real. All the images and comments they leave are digitally made and they are not real. But then again none of this is might be real...

The people behind those photos are not real because they might not have been real in the first place.

I'm probably not real to any of them as well.

I guess I'm just concern that one of these days, when I do meet up with someone, my first thought would be, "Who are you?"

idk today is just one of those days were just like to over think stuff....

I want some cotton candy

I cry alot. But not because I'm hurt or anything. It's mainly due to when I'm watching something on tv and a person (good or bad) dies. Usually it's due to cartoons, but oddly enough, now it's due to tv shows like Criminal minds or Cold Case that get's my tear ducts running.  lol.
Oh and some instances when I'm watching House.

But I think that the one that hits harder is Cold Case.

I guess I have a very vivid imagination....

personal notes

I think I'm a bit...stressed... I suppose.

I'm beginning to wonder if I should stay in this city or even if this city likes me. Ever since I got here, I've had miserable luck.

The internet in this apartment is kinda sucky.

I've had terrible luck with my car. I want to take her back home, but I don't want to risk the chance of not being able to come back with her. What if she breaks down on the way home or won't start up again to come back with me? It's my only means of transportation and I will really need a vehicle when I do my practicums. Since I got here she had a dead battery, a broken side view mirror, and just can never stay clean! She is always covered in dirt for some reason even though this apt complex is all cement and she's under the parking roof place. Idk.

I broke my glasses with a simple drop from the table...that was simply ridiculous! Honestly, they've been through so much worse stuff and a simple drop from the table broke them. 

School is ok I suppose. I was almost run over just once. There is a great amount of pressure in the degree of importance this future job requires. At times it sinks in, but I think I get so scared that I tend to forget the pressure of it. I recently went to the hospital for my phlebotomy practicum. It was a really sad place. All those people in there looked tired, pale, bruised, and well some looked rather lonely. There were some that I just felt really bad for waking them up so early in the morning (3am). They just wanted to rest, and this ghoul was waking them up and practice drawing their blood. God I felt so guilty afterwards. This one lady asked me if I was a dancer. She was so sweet, and she talked to me of her younger days when she would teach dancing. She had so many hematomas thatI didn't want to draw any blood from her. I tried hard not to hurt her but her vein collapsed. I'm just glad I was able to react and not just stare as the hematoma formed. Her skin was thin, that I could see the blood accumilating to form a bigger hematoma. The guilt. It will stay with me forever. I know they keep telling that every sample is a patient waiting to be healed, and I guess this is just a way for us to see and feel the faces behind the samples. I did understand this from the beginning but now it has sunken in. I wanted to perform well in lab, but the simple thought that I can practically misdiagnose someone and potential kill or seriously hurt someone is very nerve wracking and scary. I worry so much about my performance in the lab that I just tend to forget about the lecture. I think I did ok in my lecture final, but I got so nervous in my lab exam that my streakings were too heavy and my bacteria weren't that well isolated. I was shaking while plating so I guess that explains it. Today, I just didn't know if I should have done a separate subculture....and I just remembered I didn't do a panel for the wound enteric.....oh man. I guess I'll just read my stool panel tomorrow. Great.... but I guess I have a greater motivation to do better.

Health wise, my sleeping pattern is horrible. I think I'm getting super huge dark circles or I'm getting paler as the days pass. I'm losing a weight again. I know it usually comes and goes at normal intervals, but I think this time I'm losing weight faster than normal. I try to rationalize this with my eating habits and walks to school, but I know I'm eating even more than before and I'm still losing. I got headaches from the use of my old glasses, so they are kinda gone now. I've had a recurrent pain on my legs (probably due to the walking) and the pain on my right ankle. I know my knees are messed up after so many torn ligaments and capillaries, but for some reason the right ankle has been hurting constantly.
Scarier of all, I think I have a ganglion cyst on the dorsal side of the wrist. It's quite small and only noticeable when I bend my wrist but the thought that I have something abnormally growing in my wrist makes me uncomfortable....it's like a pimple or something that I just want to drain lolol. eww gross. lol. I know my body can't really break it down and it ultimately needs to be drained....but I don't think my school insurance will cover a surgery for its removal.

deep siggggggggggggggggggggggggh*

It's irrelevant, but He-man is kinda gross. lololol I don't like super buff guys...I kinda get weirded out. hahah

fickle human heart

I've become addicted to this movie. I didn't have internet for about a month, and so, the majority of the time I was watching movies...well more specifically Ever After: A Cinderella Story was on repeat.

I really enjoyed it. It kept me intrigued without causing me to think ahead and guess what will happen next. I have a really bad tendency to do that, and well, I think that's one of the reasons my friends don't like watching movies with me. It's always either because I don't understand some jokes (usually the crude ones) or because I start deducing what the ending will be like as the story progresses and I kinda lose interest. Plus we have different taste in movies too.

But this movie elicited lots of emotions! I profoundly disliked that prince towards the end. How dare he say that to her and then ask for redemption by trying to save her!? Foolish man! God I was hoping she would just say, "Your Highness" make a slight bow and walk off without saying anything to him! Screw you prince! All the time he was talking I was just thinking, walk away Danielle!. I was just angry at him lol. And then he's like, "Call me Henry." <oh now she can call you Henry you prick!

. My prideful self just came out. It was so silly of me. lol.
And then he kneels down and starts saying the magical words...."I kneel before you not as a Prince, but as a man in love, but I would feel like a King if you would be my wife..."
.........
.....
....Marry him Danielle!!

I was changed so easily. lol

"i'm storm!!" lolol

I found an old folder like from 2010. I have bad luck with electronics and well my laptop has crashed at least 3x on me already. I just got a chance to look over some stuff in the recovery folders and I found some reallyyyyy funny ideas and thoughts I had back then. Like this one:

"Isn’t awesome when the weather sometimes reflects how you might feel.  It might not happen constantly, but in some of those few instances that it does, it just makes everything feel perfect.  And even though no one might know what’s going on in your little head, at least you feel that the weather does, and it’s there showing that someone does know and is there for you.  The funny thing is that you sometimes feel that it changed just for you. That peculiar feeling, the instinct, your sixth sense that says, “It’s meant for me.” Or maybe it’s just me and another of my crazy thoughts. Perhaps I’m crazy for thinking this, but I like to think that we are both somehow interconnected; that this planet is alive. I’m alive, and that there is more to this world than we might ever know. Funny how as I type this, the sun is starting to peek through the clouds and through the curtains. By the time I finish this, it should be brilliant outside. Perhaps a bit chilly, but still brilliant.

It’s just awesome."

and then a bam bubble with "I'm storm!!" crossed my head lolol!!