the down fall of humanity

Lazinessssssss.

I feel like making Christmas cards but I'm to lazy to make anything...We really don't celebrate Christmas (or any holiday in general just when someone in the family (my sister) starts asking if we are going to do anything).....well..
Let's see my train of thoughts gooo.........I'm thinking of just making something simple with the same design to all of them and just adding a small note and bag of candies. Hmm that's sounds good. Then, I can make a small name tag for each to personalize the card...............maybe I'll get a small gift for each..It doesn't really matter just something small yet good....I won't have time to make the gifts so I should go shopping downtown or to the stores and see what I can get or destroy and remake as a gift lol.......ah I just remembered I had bought a few things for at least two of people....gooood!! I'm glad I'm not that big of a procrastinator!!! lmfao! :)

Testosterone

Only in graduations in which I participate, make me feel very angry and edgy after they are finished. I just want to go home. I don't want to go anywhere. No celebration; no eating out; no nothing. Let me go home. I get angry at EVERY SINGLE THING! The drivers, the traffic lights, the weather, making small stops at H.E.B, and above all the PEOPLE! It's ridiculous...
But if I'm just watching on the side lines, I don't get this upsetting feeling. I can listen to all the speeches a million times and I probably won't feel as angry as when I'm actually a participant. I could care less if the ceremony takes 4-8 hours, just don't let me be in it. I don't mind going out to eat and celebrate with the person in question. I'm actually quite calm and normal. I find this very funny.
I guess the rise of testosterone levels, which are found after an achievement, just make me cranky. LOL~!

On the side note; before I forget:
Grad #:69 (keep; Pisces, YY)
Seat #: 131 (rearrange; birth)
Alpha #: 48 (sum; dollar)
Speaker: A Biomedical engineer; CMI Inc. (hint)

Tainted white

There's a guilty feeling that I keep thinking of. It's always at the back of my mind. I really enjoy this cold weather. It's the only time when my cold hands actually have a reason in being cold, unlike in the hot days when they're freezing for some weird reason. I really hoped that this year it would snow, or at the very least, I wanted the weather to get really cold to the point of making this winter feel like an actual season. Snow in winter sounds delightful since we don't get much cold weather down here. I'm quite tolerable for the cold which is probably due to the fact that I'm quite small and a female are perhaps good factors. The shortness especially: less surface area= less heat loss. lol
No, but in general, I think I have a good thermoregulation response from the vasoconstriction to the mental state of forgetting how cold it actually is/feels (the usefulness of being forgetful).

But I can't help to think of the people who can't really be warm in this type of weather. There are more homeless people in this area than there used to be, and I can't stop wondering if they have someplace warm to go to in these cold nights. Even people who do have a home but are in need, can they keep themselves warm? What about the people who can get really sick if they don't keep warm. Although the human body can probably tolerate up to maybe 91 degrees F, some people are just not ready for this kind of cold weather. The animals, but not just pets, animals in general. I mean I can't go to bed unless I verify that my dogs and cats are covered with their blankets and the wind is not hitting them directly. I just feel bad. lol idk.
But still, perhaps many of these people actually came down here because they can avoid this type of cold weather from up north. And here I am, wishing it could get so cold that the rain that falls can meet a cold ground temperature so that crystalline water forms can pile up and cover this land in endless whiteness.

Selfishness.

So maybe I should start thinking of going to someplace where it actually snows, and stop wishing for it to come here. yup.  

crude

"I think you should take the easy route. Don't go anywhere. Just stay here and go into teaching. Forget about a Master degree. It'll do no good in this field of teaching nor will it be any good in a few years. Just graduate already, get into the teaching program, get a teaching job, and start saving for retirement and what not. Nothing better awaits; at least not what you wish for awaits further down any path. Just let the years pass by. Forget about everything and the people you've encountered in college. They were just meant to be known for a few years anyways; nothing more nothing less.

Just get a nice apartment and leave your little town, get closer to your work area to save up on gas and time. Then maybe in a few years, you'll meet someone decent, not rich but well liked. You might get that home and children before you hit your 40s, or even premenopause, or before something else hits you in life. All of this said is quite possible. But you just have to conform. Quietly and obediently follow the standards which you have been given. They are for the best you know.

That's why everything has played and has fallen into place very well all these years. No ifs or buts. Everything made sense when It was being followed. It felt right. It went right. Just go with the flow. Follow the original plan you've had since 5th grade. Graduate, go into teaching, get paid well, and get the family you've always wanted. So just conform and enjoy this life in the parameters and safety limits it has been set at.

So just yield already."

and now let's add the evil laugh at the end...."Bwahahahahah!!"...

Interesting

Mo ii.

tsukarete.

awake.

I would stop. It doesn't really matter what their social status, their economical status, or any other materialistic factor we humans have come up with and labeled ourselves with. The simple fact that they are living beings is good enough, and this applies to anything which I define as being "alive" (which is not in the realm of the scientific mind lol) not just humans.

Anywho, I feel at times that I'm about to wake up. Sometimes out of nowhere, this feeling of "waking" comes in and momentarily disrupts my train of thoughts. No, not that type of theoretical stuff of "are we really awake in this world...etc" stuff, more like a nostalgic feeling of finishing something...idk. It's just funny :)

In the mean time, I'll keep using my hands as ice packs to numb pains hahahh. yup.

atarashii

So plans don't always go as one plans them; even if you have plan B or C. I had plans in the "what if" backup side, and they're not helping much in this decision (well maybe just a bit).

The gut feeling has not subsided, or rather it has been taken over by sooo many other thoughts that I've not placed much attention to it anymore lol. I wonder what this gut feeling is..

Anywho, I just know I can take the easy route out of this predicament and just conform to this life and place without really seeking anything better or at least trying/seeing something different than my norm. No, I'm no caged bird; I don't believe anyone is. I just never really felt like actually trying to leave. In this case, I will not lie, I'm not going with the flag of "I'm looking for a better education" because I'm really not (that's just a plus in plans :D ), but I'm just really REALLY curious as to what is at the end of this road called I35. I want to see the other end lol. I just like to think of it as finding our reflection or mirrored place at the end of this road. Our opposites in weather, perhaps people, and what they have to offer. I'm just curious...very curious.

The grass is green everywhere, it's just the hands that tend it that differ.

A second child...it's not only soul searching they should do, but they should also need to break out of that fear and mentality which they have been following....

Dori-kei

I was quite surprised there was a movie of this, but I then realized it was just a blend of all the episodes I had already seen into a movie. But still it was beautiful to re-watch, and I was a total cry baby throughout the whole movie again just like in the episodes lol

I kinda understand the feelings it portrays. Even though here they used robots, I kind of apply the same rule to anything that surrounds me.. perhaps to a certain extend but nonetheless it has been undeniably there since childhood. Always present, reminding me of the feelings and connections I share with the things that surround  me. ie when my car got hit, I cried not because I was scared of what was going to happen, but because Sakura was hit. All these years she's had been working well, driving me home, not criticized my singing, and then she just got hit. Full hit to her right side. It was a scary impact followed by many screeching vehicles behind us. I did go check on the other driver first, and he was alright with no injury whatsoever just a little shaken like me, but when I saw the damage to Sakura, it was just extremely painful to see. There she was hit, bent, and missing her whole tail light. I just felt so bad for some reason....
I know it might seem silly, but that's just one of the things I kinda like about this mind of mine. I think this is referred to as animism, maybe even hoarding or OCD. Still, call what you want, I wouldn't change this because in the end I actually like it, and in the rise of the situation, I know I'll make the correct decision in major case scenarios. :)

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Bionic...

Humanoid Robot... Android....autonomous robot....person... I wonder.
I cry my eyes out in really sad and joyful scenes, but it seems I mainly do this in animated movies/episodes and books. Scenes involving real life, flesh people with the same degree of emotional intensity do not stir my tear ducts, but the only exception is if the scene involved old people, children, animals, or death scenes (even of the bad guys), then they'll stream out. Scenes where emotions can be transmitted let it be of happiness or of frustration for being powerless or simply where injustice and degradation of the heart is depicted...I've seen quite a few emotional movies were someone dies or something, but they don't make the same impact as a cartoon or a book for some reason. Maybe I might have shed a tear, but I don't remember... I don't know. Perhaps it just doesn't feel... real...I mean I understand why a book might win over a movie anytime because I'm so engrossed into what I'm reading that I feel everything as if I'm in it since it's all in my imagination (the wonders of it!), and I know a cartoon is just a graphical animation that conveys real life to some degree, yet these two always win in the feeling level compared to a flesh movie. Maybe it's also due to the fact that re-enacting scenes which involve great emotional stress without a real stimuli to make a sad scene, for example, is not easy for people to portray.  Or maybe I have something wrong in my hormones..genes...maybe I'm not even a true human...lol..hmm odd.. 
~ ~
Anyways, I mainly wrote this because I re-watched a rather scary and heartfelt film, and yes it was a cartoon! Even though I had previously watched it, I forgot what had happened and I just had a feeling it was a really sad film (and I say scary because we've all probably been through this emotional tensity which I find rather nerve racking). So when I started watching it, all the feelings came back :')

But still who doesn't go through this at one point in their lifetime. Usually crushes just stop talking to me, so I really never had to see someone I considered dear leave as these two had to part. But, I just wish that if I ever go through something similar (whichever side of the guy or the girl), I would want to remain true to what I feel and say what I have to say without regrets in rise of the opportunity (and so far so good :) ). I say this because the fool could have told her what he wrote on that damn letter since his freakin lips weren't sealed! >:[  anyways, enough of ranting like a pubescent teenage girl. I liked this film...I should go buy it :)
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kibou

I don't understand how you could not see her walking up to you.
Were you in such a rush that you could stop and honk at her or maybe even scream your lungs out at her to move out of your way at the very least?
I just really don't get it

it's just a little purple~

Dear Micho,

you hit a vein! and twice you little..!!
argh the pain!

with love,
my throbbing leg (lol)
:)

Move damn it!

So playing the piano is not as fun as I had expected....rather it's because it is not as easy as I had expected. Knowing the notes and actually executing the command to play the notes is quite difficult. I applaud to anyone who can play.

I get frustrated by the fact that this is partly due to my neuronal connections/communication, primary motor cortex, planum temporale, superior temporal gyrus, and other brain regions activations (whatever one might call them) so I can't do much about it. It is not something I can learn and memorize real quick like in Biochemistry or something, so I can't really do much but maybe practice, practice, practice and establish some connections and awaken sleeping regions........or I can just hit my head or something and see if that helps lol! It might work.

let's see how the test goes...

success

So I don't know....my professors all have good PhDs. I wonder if I should go for it as well. It doesn't seem too hard since it all depends on your commitment and effort you put into it. My professors all seem pretty happy with what they do. They enjoy teaching, researching, and pretty much handling us; I find this pretty amazing in a way, yet I can't help but feel a bit...sad in a way. They have all been quite successful in their field work and all, but it makes me wonder if they have or had a family. I know some do/did. Some have all grown up children, and others are barely starting to form their families at their early 40's. I see nothing wrong, but I can't see myself doing this.

Things like staying late at the lab, not going home for days, maybe even work at a different city/state from your family, and other stuff which I feel I won't like to do, are ultimately making me think twice of getting a PhD. I've always thought that if I ever do have a family, I would want to spend time with them and not just on holidays or days off from work. I don't know..
I can't live forever. This body can only live for so long, and I would like to see my children grow into their 60s and perhaps even grandchildren. I would like to see the type of person/soul the children I (and future husband of course) will bring to life and help grow....there is more to life than to just study...so maybe I shouldn't...

and I'm just paranoid lol :)

the other me that lurks

I like my shadow.
It shows indifference to color as well as to shapes.
Fair and even.
My loyal companion.
Graceful.
Indiscriminate.
Human Perfection.
:)


narcissist much hahah

"It is more difficult to save lifes than to take them."

but yet it feels very fulfilling
and wholesome when you give it your all
by at least trying
to save a life
without really having a 'why' or 'what' attached to it.

Ne, Balsa-san :)

You actually did it?!

I got complimented for being prepared and ACTUALLY having my slides READY for our group presentation, which was what we agreed on 3 days ago.

I'm Flattered. And Thank you my good Sir;

yet I can't help but to feel disappointed that you all didn't have anything ready!

Tears

of relief.


You know that feeling when you can't help but imagine the worse case scenario.
The things that can run through one's head...
And the optimistic surge that comes through.

The chaos inside.

And then finally you see those headlights driving up the driveway.

Let's leave the 'why this and that' for later. The useless questioning....

I'm just glad you're back,

Onee-san :)

Floaters

I can see them. I always wondered what these translucent cluster of balls were.

They reminded me of an amino acid chain with the circled balls lined up and in a conformationally stable state, or even just as a simple cluster of yeast cells just hanging around. I thought they were in the air, but then I figured that they couldn't be in the air since every time I blinked, they moved. So then they must be in my eye. Either on the eye's fluid or inside my eye ball...I went for the eye fluid since it was a lot easier to digest lol

I try to focus on some of them to see what the heck they hold inside or simply to get a closer look. It's like looking through a microscope but without having to use the objective lens.
It's Magnified 1000X!! ...nah maybe just at 400X.

But the are so small and cluttered, that I can't really examine them. I like them, and they have a pretty cool name to describe this: myodesopsia. Even better: Entoptic Phenomenon. :)

Trying

:)
I feel like painting before getting back into school. I'm not really good with colors (I'm more of a sketching type of person by using a pencil), but I'll just try it. My room is not in a condition where it can accept more stuff, but eh I'll clean it tomorrow...maybe.