Note to self(s)

Somethings wrong with the internet connection. It's like super slooooooow.

 I had family over this weekend. I didn't get to study much, but I just wanted to watch some movies and relax.
I tried seeing Mr. Nobody with no avail. Then I wanted to watch the season finale of Wilfred and that didn't work either.
 *sigh
I just want to think on something else for an hour or so and let my mind just daydream a while.

I could try finishing my cross stitch, but I really wanted to watch that movie and Wilfred!!!

*sighhhh

I'll stop complaining and continue studying.
I might just daydream/imagine what I'll do tomorrow,
what my test questions will consist of,
maybe think of how I'll die
or maybe how we'll all die,
think of what would happen if one of those helicopters falls into my apartment complex....
or wonder why or who are in those ambulances passing by my apartment every single minute....why can I hear you so close by? ....maybe cuz you live next to like 4 damn hospitals miss. genius!! 
Who the hell invented that siren anyways?
or why the hell are my legs much more whiter than my arms...what biological mechanism is controlling this difference in skin color....why can't it just be one color!!...aww, I remembered I used to have a huge complex of this when I was younger lol. I had lots of complexes when I was younger.
I'll maybe reminisce a bit of the younger days, younger ideas, younger self(s).   
I'll try to trace what type of race/ethnicity my family is mixed up with...cuz man our family lineage is so damn mixed up...there was a mixture of everything 
I don't know what I'm saying anymore. I just know I just heard my neighbor sneeze, and I said bless you for some reason. 
I don't know~~~~~~~~~~~~
 
I just want to watch Mr. Nobody & Wilfred!! It was the damn Season Finale for crying out loud!!!

I'll blame the wind since it got a bit ~windy~ after the rain..... so yeah.....

watch this shit later when you have a good internet connection!!:
http://www.putlocker.com/file/17C031D41FD876AE#
http://www.putlocker.com/file/E18EC5477EE50A59

Subconscious revelations...not really.

I have work to do, but I had this dream last night and I have to write it somewhere.

I was back home with some people whom I don't know in real life, but I apparently did know them since they were renting my parents home.

From the window this guy, whom I had really loved and imagined myself with him for like throughout my junior year of high school to some college, crawled in onto the bed. I think he was going to cover my eyes, but we jokingly just armed wrestled. Then I rolled over to the corner and he left; a few minutes passed, he came back, sat down, and I just looked at him and slowly woke up.

I guess you can say it was a sweet dream, but I think it was a dream that made me realize that I really don't miss this guy who I allowed to treat me like shit. The story behind him is not that bad really. I thought he was a really nice person and quite friendly to others. He loved to joke around, but his jokes on me where a bit too harsh, and I would sometimes get the feeling that he either hated my guts or just really didn't like my soul's existence. He had someone he liked, and I knew this, so I just kept things as friendship. There was this girl whom my gut feeling never really trusted, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt and when she asked me if I liked him I said yes followed by childish, girly conversation of 'Don't tell him.'

Some hours later at night she got "high," and told him. Then I got the cold shoulder from him, and I basically was nonexistent to him. I confronted both (separately of course). I tried to understand the why behind her actions. Why did she have to go and tell him. She denied everything. Then I went and talked to him. He denied knowing. I apologized for not telling him directly, but I knew (basically all of our friends knew) that he liked this other girl and therefore I didn't tell. After a few minutes, he said to not worry about it. The scene that followed is still etched: he wanted to make up with a hug. He came up opened his arms, and I looked at him and said "No that's fine." I placed my hands in front and moved away. I have this policy for myself since a little kid (~13 or 14 yrs old I think). Never allow a guy who is a.) not your boyfriend, b.) not your brother or family member, c.) not someone your gut feelings say it's ok, and d.) someone you don't trust, come near you into your personal bubble, kiss you, or hug you. Respect yourself and the person whom you might meet in the future.

So, I told him it was fine. That it was not his fault, but of my poor judgement of who I could trust. The fact that he was like this with me was not my major concern, but what had actually been painful was her actions. Then I thanked him for hearing me out and I left.

Trust is something that comes easily, but is always double checked before given out. I put to much emphasize on this little idea of "trust" and so I must be careful onto who I give to. Heck most of my close friends are not really that close. It sounds really childish I know, but I hate having to go through the same melodrama that the breakage of trust follows. I've always thought and felt that trust is something very precious and is up there with love.

Of course, there are times when I give this trust to someone who I just met, which brings me to point of this dream. When I woke up from this dream, I said I slowly wake up because I did. As I opened my eyes, the room was slowly changing into my apartment (without the furniture of course). Like a mirage or slide transition from the power point that disappears to the next slide or something. Throughout this wakening, someone else was in my head. When I woke up, I realized that there was someone whom I really missed and was in my head the whole time.

I really am over this first guy, since I don't know when. Maybe I just never realized that this new person was etched really nicely in my head lol. He was the only one after that incident that I just felt like trusted him. Why? I don't really understand it. It felt like I knew him already. Like I could be myself with him. I could tell him anything. I knew him and understood him (not 100% but in many thing) really well to the point that it surprised him. I had actually decided not to trust anyone so easily. Maybe become a bit cold as a self defense, but I didn't like that idea since not many are like her. I wasn't too sure what way to go. I was doubting like always. Then he came by and trusted me with his personal life story and ideas. This got me thinking that I shouldn't doubt everyone one else in this world because of a few. I should have a small check and balances like the govt does. lol. Seriously!

I don't know. Life is a funny thing. I'm a funny thing. I'm the type of person who will cry her heart out when someone breaks her trust than when a guy breaks her heart. How much funnier can that be!!  

sigh I have intestinal pathogens and other cute amoebas I have to learn so I'm going to study. :]

Dear dairy, (lmao)

It was a good day.

I almost stepped on Mr. Earthworm Jim on my way to class. He really looked like a stick! If it wasn't because he squiggled, I would have let my foot down on him. I was going to let him be, but as I looked back, I kinda felt bad. It reminded me of the red pipevine swallowtail caterpillar I saw yesterday; how he was on that hot cement street trying to go over the sidewalk side. I walked by, but then decided to go back and move him on some brush leaves. So I went back to Mr. Jim, left my 12 pack of cokes on the stairs, and acted as if I was on my cell phone waiting for the girl on her cell phone and some guy to pass by before I got a stick and moved him across to the soil. He was super long!!

Hmm, I did good on my clinical immunology test. I got full credit on the open ended questions, which to me matter more than those multiple choice questions.

I forgot to buy toilet paper, and I thought maybe Dollar Tree might have some. So I drove to Dollar Tree and in the meantime visited Micheal's. I drove all the way over there, and found out that Dollar Tree does not sell toilet paper. Great.

Stopped at Wal-mart. There were some people there selling stuff in the parking lot. One guy wanted me to stop halfway in the lot so I just parked.

First thing he said was, "Aw that's tight! Thanks for parking.....Damn girl, aren't you feeling hot? It's burning here!" I had a long sleeved, cotton grey blouse. Lol! How dare he! He was a nice guy actually. Unfortunately, he was selling perfumes. I don't wear perfumes. Never really liked wearing them, so I kinda felt bad saying "No thank you."

Then he said, "Well you can get some for your boyfriend."

**stab right through the heart! lol. "No, I'm sorry I don't have a boyfriend." Then he said the sweetest thing, "What? Man if you were from Austin I'ld date you!" Aww! I just said thank you and he just shook my hand.

At first I was like "that's very sweet!" Then my evil side started saying, "He just wanted to sell! Lol!"

Shut up!

Sleeping in

I get this feeling of just sleeping.
Just sleep and never get up.
But man, that's just waste.

I kinda feel bad. I feel I'm becoming very....hmm, something like selfishly thoughtless to put it. I feel like I've been here all my life. That my hometown never really existed. All those people and places I saw and lived in, aren't real. None of it was real. It feels like that place was all just a dream, and this place, this city, that I'm currently for the past month & a-half has always been the place where I've been. I don't know. Maybe it's actually the other way around. I don't know what to think anymore. It's a bit hard to explain.

When people ask if I miss my hometown, I don't know what to say. Cuz I really don't know what to think of it. I think it's because I never let this new adventure sink in. I haven't had the time to think and process my current situation and plans through.

And then they always ask (when they know I'm living alone), "Aren't you lonely?" I always feel like asking them, "What is loneliness to you?" But then I'll get into this whole philosophical concept of what I think loneliness is, the emphasis that man places on what meaning of stuff, words, or concepts; and so much stuff that this head of mine thinks of when people say that loneliness is such a bad thing. This is like a pet peeve to me. lol. So I'll rather just say "I'm not," and let it be over with.

Anyways, that feeling of waking up is horrendous, but after a while, once the melatonin has passed and the light stimulation has traveled to the suprachiasmatic nucleus, I feel very happy to be up. My mind is happy to be up, and my brain is ready to continue on the next interesting thing to learn about. I don't know. It's just very amazing.

Feelings, you are the most scariest thing anything/anyone can have installed. I fear you, and even this fear is...illogically contradictive?? Hmm, I make perfect sense. lol.

So I want to delete this guy.
But I feel bad.
I wish I had never added him.
I've had him there for a while,
but I still regret not following my gut feelings.
yeah it's the same guy from the last post.
augh whatever.

I seriously wish I could open that damn balcony door and go outside!
But all the balconies here are connected so....um it's not a very good idea.

I remembered why I didn't like playing the 'role-playing' games (to me they were all video games, no distinction between morpg or rpg). I played Zelda ♥ back in the day, and then every time I would get something I could here the dududu di!! All proud. It sucked! I get too much into these type of games. They mess with my brain and hearing! I might have gone mental.
God don't even mention pokemon....aw shit, that was the worse!